WHAT IF COOPER TOOK OVER THE GOVERNMENT?

I have a fantasy. Actually, I have a number of fantasies, but I’m only going to tell you about one today.

A beautiful woman comes to see me. She says she is an angel. “Well, I can see that,” I say. “You are quite beautiful.”

“No,” she says. “I’m a real angel, sent here by God.”

“If you say so. How kinky.”

“No, really,” she says. For some reason God has picked you to save the United States of America.” (Okay, readers, don’t laugh. I told you this was a fantasy.)

“You gotta be kidding. Why would God think I could save our country?”

“God has been reading the Blue Paper for years,” the angel said. “She likes the way you think. She wants to put you in charge of the federal government for a year to straighten things out.”

“What do you mean ‘in charge”?

I mean in charge. She wants you to go to Washington and look at the situation firsthand, and she wants you to research the problems and make decisions to fix them. You will have lots of help– hundreds of thousands of government employees, including the Senate, the House of Representatives and even the president. But they all gotta do what you say. They are allowed to make recommendations but, end the end, what you say goes.

“But that is not the democratic way,” I told the angel. In fact, that would be downright unconstitutional.”

“Don’t sweat the small things,” the angel said. “Your country has a serious emergency– and God is giving you the opportunity to fix it.”

And so it came to pass.

At my first staff meeting, I told the top dogs of the government that my initial priority would be the budget. We can’t spend more than we’re bringing in, I told them. Some of those around the table looked at me like I was out of my mind. I turned to the top budget guy in the room and told him that I wanted a balanced budget on my desk by the end of the week– and that budget should include a serious pay-down on the deficit. I also told him that the budget should also reflect a significant tax cut. “Consult with whomever you need to consult to develop such a budget,” I told him. He agreed that he would make that happen. “But,” I added, “you need to know that you will be accountable. He looked puzzled. Looking around the room, he asked, “What does ‘accountable’ mean?”

“That means that if you give me a budget that simply manipulates numbers that show that the budget is balanced but it’s not, you’re fired. He looked around the room again. “You can’t do that; this is the federal government!”

“Okay, you’re fired,” I told him. Then I asked the second-in-command budget guy in the room to raise his hand. She did. And I asked her if she could do what I had asked and she said that she could– and by the end of the week, we had solved the budget problem. And we still had 51 weeks to go.

Of course, in order to balance the budget, my new budget director had to make significant cuts in entitlements. She left Social Security alone because that is not an entitlement. People on Social Security contributed to that fund their entire lives and, now, they are just getting that money back. But everything else was fair game. We are all sympathetic towards people who simply cannot care for themselves– but not towards able-bodied freeloaders who are just sitting back and sucking up the welfare dollars. Under my management, those folks had a sudden awakening.

But we also introduced programs to try to attack multi-generational poverty. For example, all high school graduates (or dropouts) were required to spend two years in the military or public service organizations, like the Peace Corps. In return, they would learn about life and get free tuition to go to college or a trade school. That meant that even “poor” kids, as well as those kids who had parents who don’t care enough about them to encourage them to get an education would an opportunity to get an education– which would enhance their earning power (and their attitudes about life) for their entire lives.

We also immediately delayed the implementation of Obamacare for a year and stripped all of the waivers for the unions, congressional staff and others. I ordered health officials to take another look at this program and ensure that those asking for free health insurance really could not afford it on their own.

And we got rid of a significant number of the hundreds of thousands of government employees.

We also addressed foreign affairs and the military. I joined the Army after high school and served in the 101st Airborne. I was not asked to go to war but, had I been ordered, I would have done that. But orders or not, I would have resented like hell facing death to try to save a country where the people hated us. So one of my first proclamations when I took over the government was that we were no longer the world’s policeman. Yes, some of the situations around the world are beyond tragic. Women and children slaughtered. Towns and cities leveled by bombs and missiles. We care. We really do. But one American soldier dying for those people is too many. If you think I’m wrong, send your own kids or grandkids to fight.

I told the head of the military that I also wanted a budget from him that would ensure that our military would continue to be the strongest in the world. And I told him that if I set a “red line” for a foreign dictator and he subsequently crossed over that line, there would be no “pinprick” strike. I wanted the mother bombed back into the Stone Age. And then I would turn to other dictators in the world and ask, “Any questions?” Yeah, yeah, I know. If we act like the bad guys, that makes us like them. But, I don’t know about you– but I am sick and tired of our leaders acting like wusses.  I got God to also waive the rule that we have to be nice when dealing with people who want to kill us.

At the end of the year, God asked me if I had any recommendations for my replacement. “I would like another Key Wester,” she said. “You guys don’t take much crap down there.” If you want to be a candidate, let me know. I’ll put you in touch with God. Also, let us know what policies you might enact. Send your emails to [email protected]. She just might publish them.

NOTE: Please, no emails yelling at me about un-Christian or just downright mean policies. It’s a fantasy. And God came to me; I didn’t go to her.