THE MOVIES REVISITED

Note: Obviously, this essay was written a number of years ago and the cinematic landscape in Key West has changed, but only slightly. In spite of its age, I find it all still relevant as I hope the reader will.

The inspiration for this essay was a piece I heard on National Public Radio commemorating the classic film The Graduate. I stumbled into the report after it had already begun, so I don’t know exactly what was being commemorated. Perhaps its 25^th anniversary?

Before getting back to The Graduate, let’s examine what is playing at the movies as I write.

The town where I live is possessed of only one movie venue, that being the “Cinema 6”. This means there are six cinematic ways for adolescent minds to ward off boredom. Unfortunately, this is the role modern cinema has been reduced to, pressured into compliance by the omnipotence of the Global Economy. Any movie truly having to do with the human condition is purely coincidental and very rare. For that smattering of nerds with an intellectual formation beyond Notre Dame football, there is a dues paying Film Society, which sporadically accommodates their needs. In other words, not just in my town but in most places, the “Cinema 6” is it.

OK, what’s playing today?

“Harry Potter”, “Star Trek”, “Die Another Day”, “Treasure Planet”, “Maid in Manhattan”, “Lord of the Rings: The Twin Towers”.

Being that these essays are devoted to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, it is incumbent upon me to say that I haven’t seen any of these movies and would have to be handcuffed and dragged off in a police van in order to do so. But I’ve been here and back a few times and defy anyone to contradict the capsule reviews I am about to make:

1) Treasure Planet – I know absolutely nothing about this film; didn’t even know it existed. I’d bet it has very little to do with the universal, existential issues that have traditionally haunted mankind.

2) Harry Potter – There is lots of money to be made on kids. McDonald’s knows this; so does Hollywood. Might as well get them while they’re young.

3) Star Trek – I used to be able to watch this stuff on TV for free … and it was probably better back then. I’ve got better things to do, like having a root canal.

4) Die Another Day – “Bond … James Bond”. Been there, done that, and it never was all that much to begin with.

5) Maid in Manhattan – Now we start to get a bit more complicated. Jennifer Lopez, who is currently the hottest piece of ass in the neighborhood, is what we’re paying for here. In truth, she is a talented artist who has shown a remarkable range of field for her abilities. If I’m being a wise guy critic of contemporary motion picture output, I don’t necessarily blame the actors and actresses. They generally do what they do quite well. Sadly, the intellectual climate they are forced to operate in restricts their role to little more than another piece in someone’s monetary hustle. This does not excuse them from being accomplices to the crime. Very few of them show any inclination to challenge this prostitutionary environment. Talk to my agent, show me the pasta, where do I sign?

Judging from the promos I’ve seen on TV, the plot has a familiar theme: a love affair between people of different social classes. If handled maturely, it’s not impossible for such a concept to yield something worthwhile, but Hollywood’s lack of concern for such drivel usually trumps any attempt to enlighten anyone. Jennifer Lopez is so succulent in her cutesy maid’s uniform … trust me, nobody who looks that good will ever be a maid. With just one ten second ad I already know what crap this is.

The only way you could get me to see this movie is if Jennifer Lopez walked around naked in it for substantial amounts of time.

6) The Lord of the Rings: The Twin Towers – I ride to work with a friend who told me he’d seen a review for this movie on TV. The journalist was of the opinion that this Lord of the Rings extravaganza could be the greatest motion picture experience ever. The 3 movie series is a production of Time-Warner, who has probably invested enough money in the whole fandango to buy the Gross National Product of all the countries of central Africa combined. Quite coincidentally, the TV station responsible for the glowing reviews is a Time-Warner station.

Ain’t free speech great?

Strangely enough, the first installment of the Lord of the Rings series, which came out only a year ago and was an obese financial success, has just begun to appear on TV. It usually takes many years before you can watch a successful movie in your underwear with a Domino’s pizza. Due to the serial nature of this beast, Time-Warner has decided to forego this standard in order to get anyone living in a cave in east Afghanistan up to date as we head into the middle innings. I do not know if the TV station where the first Lord of the Rings is being shown is a Time-Warner outlet. I’m afraid to ask.

I’ve been told that the 3 episodes of the Lord of the Rings will run for more than 9 hours. I can’t even look at Jennifer Lopez naked for 9 hours.

I’ve never been what you’d call a religious believer, but I’m beginning to believe in God. In fact, there are 4 of them: Fox, Time-Warner, Disney and General Electric (which owns one of the big networks). In much the same way Coke and Pepsi both compete and collaborate by keeping the competition down to a minimum, so too do the media moguls of our day. Although they fight for the same dollars, they maintain the message within narrow parameters. There’s enough to go around.

OK, let’s get back to The Graduate.

I suppose The Graduate is most famous as the coming out party for Dustin Hoffman, one of his generation’s great movie stars. It was a thoughtful film dealing with the timeless theme of a boy becoming a man. It is not on my all time great list, but it does not defraud anyone and must be considered more than worth the entry fee.

The radio report discussing the film was only barely maintaining my interest when the announcer said something that made me take note: The Graduate was the largest grossing movie of 1968. Although its critical acclaim has never been in doubt, this massive financial success came as a surprise to me. It made me realize just how much we’ve been “dumb-downed” in the 25 years since The Graduate’s appearance.

A film like The Graduate, if conceived today, would have a difficult time finding a backer, even for the minute amount of money it would cost to make. (One extravagant scene from the Lord of the Rings might cost more than its entire production.) If it did actually become a film, its distribution would probably be limited to the alternative movie theaters frequented by the type of people that inhabit Woody Allen movies. Perhaps it would reach my town tardily as an entry at the local Film Society. I doubt if it would ever show up at the “Cinema 6”. It just doesn’t fit the formula. There was no big name star to draw in the crowds. There is not one special effect. There is no violence, no firearms, no adventure, nothing heroic, no tough guys, wise guys, flashy dames, no chase scene, no leathery skinned detectives and hard nosed cops … nothing … and yet so much.

I have a theory as to when the intellectual decay of American cinema began. (It’s not just limited to cinema, but its effects are easily seen here.)

Sometime in the early 80’s, when the nation had finally emerged from its Vietnam hangover, a movie appeared which would set the tone for the sophomoric frivolity that still reigns supreme at the Cinema 6’s of our land: Animal House. This childish look at American college life has no point of view, has nothing to say, and is not even funny. (At times, even a film with negligible intellectual content might be funny. For example, The Pink Panther.) It was an instant smash and is now looked upon as a “film classic”. It set the tone for a whole family tree of idiotic comedies that are not funny. This includes the likes of the Nerds series, the Police Academy series, the Meatball series, the American Pie series, and many others leading up to the current rage, the Austin Powers series.

(Before getting into Austin Powers, I have a confession to make. There is a scene in the first American Pie movie where an attractive young girl makes an ostentatious display of the most heavenly breasts ever produced by modern technology. I’ve bumped into this movie enough times on TV to know exactly when and where this occurs. This same “actress” has a similar moment in another infantile comedy called “Batchelor Party” and (it’s hard to admit this) I know exactly when and where … etc., etc. Can you guess how I watch these movies?)

I consider Austin Powers the ultimate standard bearer for the “dumbing down” effect that makes it so easy to lead the masses off into gleeful combat against helpless, imaginary foes. I say this because there is something about this film that reminds me of one of the greatest satirical movies ever made, Dr. Strangelove. At first glance, mentioning Austin Powers in the same breath with Dr. Strangelove might be like comparing that blond kid at the local Little League field to Mickey Mantle. But upon closer scrutiny, we see that Austin Powers is just an extremely “dumbed-down” version of the Kubrick masterpiece. Both movies are quasi-science fictional with high tech scenarios involved in an end-of-the-world crisis. Both movies, in the persons of Peter Sellers and Mike Myers, are driven by exceptionally talented actors playing multiple roles. It could be said that Myers is doing a “Peter Sellers”, and he does it magnificently.

But what a waste of talent!

The intellectual brilliance of Dr. Strangelove is in perfect, 180-degree opposition to the adolescent vapidity of Austin Powers. It’s as if an aristocratic bloodline has decayed into hemophiliac ruin after years of decadent decline.

At this point in history, it is probably safe to accept the following algebraic equation: Increasing commercial importance = decreasing intellectual endeavor.

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I began writing essays in the early 90’s, the collection “Because You Never Asked” being a fractional but representative cross section of an output that is still in progress today. I restrict their content to anything that may be relevant since the dawn of time to the end of eternity. They’ve given me a kind of therapeutical way to voice my objections to the paradigm of our culture and the negativity it is leading us into. All cultures attempt to inculcate their constituents into someone’s narrow minded, self serving version of reality and this book is an attempt to translate these subterfuges into the truth. Although a number of my earliest essays are included in this collection, the vast majority of them are more contemporary. Regardless of their chronology, they should all still be pertinent to whatever is happening at this moment.

To order you copy of “Because You Never Asked” by Jerome Grapel click here.