NEW LEAF

Note: Unfortunately my attempted mountaintop retreat from the world was a bust and I was forced to cut it short. Who I thought was a Yogi Zen master turned out to be a delusional manic depressive failed hedge fund manager that had lost his mind when some bubble or other burst leaving him penniless or was he a time share pitch man? I never did figure it out…So I came back home and decided to see a shrink instead. 

New Leaf

I have been given strict instructions by my therapist, Dr. Heisenberg, that I am no longer allowed to research and chronicle any negative local, national or global issues. I was told, if I must write about something, it should be on light and happy topics that lift the spirit, no matter how Pollyannaishly delusional I think they are. I am paying this guy $ 250 an hour so I am heeding his advice. Then let us tackle some soft friendly issues together, shall we? The sun did come up and as Annie tells us, it will come up tomorrow. That is comforting to a guy like me. Here I have been focusing on the likelihood of it rising one day only to illuminate a barren Mars-like landscape that was once our blue and green planet due to our blind love affair with fossil fuel and pathological consumption of natural resources. Oops, sorry. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is my new mantra.

In order to turn over a new leaf and placidly enjoy daily life as the bovine enjoy cud, I need to get with the program(s), literally. There is a whole new world of mindless diversions I have not yet taken advantage of. I am woefully lacking in exposure to, what is called, “Reality TV”. Many good Americans fine succor in these small screen wonders with curious titles such as “Duck Dynasty” and “Pawn Wars”. Up until now I have been unaware of the fascinating anthropological expeditions into the land of the “Jersey Shore” and been remiss in not “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”!  I am just a little baffled by the program titled “Biggest Loser”.  Is that about the show or the viewers? Never mind. Oh, that’s a good mantra, too. “Never Mind”

Other important small screen offerings are commercials. The advertising seems to be limited to two main products, cars and drugs. I constantly need to be reminded (short attention span is a common effect of the disengaged) that I simply must own an Audi-Lexus-Cadillac-Mercedes car. I really should have bought several as Christmas presents for my friends and family as illustrated by the giant holiday bows on the tops of all the shiny cars in front of the big snow covered mansions.  The fact I don’t have the money to buy one Cadillac, let alone several, has caused me to develop a severe case of low self esteem which isn’t good for my new “the-glass-is-half-full” rosy outlook. Fortunately for me the TV reminds me the good people of Big Pharm have oodles of drugs that I can ask my doctor about. Legal drugs that will help me cope and set me on the path to Pleasant Valley, but may cause cancer and thoughts of suicide. I must ask Dr. Heisenberg, what’s up with that.

To further enhance my new found tranquility I should also be taking advantage of all the new technologies developed for the sole purpose to distract and gobble up any spare time we might otherwise employ for free and critical thought. I keep hearing of entertaining time killers with delightful names like, “Angry Birds” and “Candy Crush”. Apparently I can, not only play these at home on my PC, but I can take them with me wherever I go with my “Smart Phone” or “Tablet”. Then I can join the millions of my fellow mellows as we become engrossed in the world of angry birds and completely ignore each other on the street, in restaurants, bars or any other places where the public might congregate. It’s probably best we don’t talk to each other because we might violate the recently altered first amendment that clearly states the illegality of gathering in public for any reason. Right?

Dr. Heisenberg was most adamant that I refrain from watching any news programs that risk exposing me to data not sanctioned by the security and surveillance state. Truth and facts are such a buzz kill. For my own good, I should only be exposed to infotainment that is an essential ingredient in my new approach to a happier way of life. All I need focus on is which celebs look the best and worst at the beach, who has been seen with whom and the critical question, is Kim Kardashian’s caboose starting to sag? That never-ending stream of safe soft core celebrity “journalism” porn that drones on hypnotically, but does not upset my new found ataraxis. You know, the important stuff, the stuff that will keep me docile and compliant and blissfully ignorant. It is already working. I am feeling so much better. I am feeling so much happier. I am feeling so much better. I am feeling so much happier. Have a nice day and support the troops. Smiley face, heart.